The beginnings of a story? Or just midnight ramblings

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The urge to interrupt him before he had finished was overwhelming. His voice had always seemed hypnotic to me, until today. Today it felt like every word that came out of his mouth was another knife being stabbed into my heart. I knew this day would eventually come, that I was nothing more then a diversion. Even though I knew this, it didn’t keep me from falling in love with him. Or was I merely in love with my fantasy of him?
“What are you afraid of Ariel? Just because I’m going to marry her doesn’t mean that anything has to change between us. We will just have to be more careful about where we meet, so Rachel won’t find out.”
“Dustin, it has nothing to do with fear. We have been together for seven years. I have always been understanding when you’ve said that you weren’t ready for a relationship. Now out of nowhere you are telling me you want to get married? And to Rachel? Wasn’t I good enough for you?” I was finding it difficult to hold back my anger.
That seemed to stop him. For once it seemed like Dustin might actually be thinking of someone other then himself.
“Ariel, you were always enough. I screwed up this time. We were drunk, and well, Rachel is pregnant. I can’t risk her taking my child away. I won’t go through that. I thought you of all people would understand.” With that Dustin turned and walked away.
I was able to keep my tears at bay until I heard the front door click shut behind him. He was walking away from me, again. Seven years of watching him bounce from bed to bed, but always knowing that he would come back to me. Now I would be left as the other woman. I know it’s wrong, and yet I know I won’t change a thing if it means that I’ll still have even that small piece of him.

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One thought on “The beginnings of a story? Or just midnight ramblings

  1. 1) How was the central character portrayed and was the portrayal clear and interesting? The author wanted the character of Ariel to be angry. The anger doesn’t come across very strong. Dustin wants to do the right thing by marrying Rachel but why is he all of a sudden wanting to do the right thing in regards to the baby but not in regards to Rachel and Ariel. This is in Ariel’s perspective so it wouldn’t do to a POV switch so maybe he could explain a little better or Ariel, in her anger can lash out at him.

    2) What made you think this piece was a story and did you want to read on? We start in a conversation and we know there is a problem but it does not get resolved. That would lead one to believe there would be a continuing. I would read more to see what happens.

    3) What were the most, and least, successful aspects of the writing? (“someone other then himself”, than not then)

    The dialogue was, meh, I don’t feel that Ariel was fighting hard enough for Dustin, but then again this is just an excerpt so she could be fighting harder later. I liked the description of his voices effect on her. Dustin seemed like a turd, like this was nothing.

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